Written by: Kathy Best – CNTC, CRRC, CHP, CURM, PSDC, AAC
February 22, 2020
I’ve been on my spiritual growth and conscious living path for almost two decades now and one of the toughest lessons for me to learn was recognizing the fact that I was teaching others how to treat me. I wasn’t always the super nice girl, in fact when I was in my teens and early twenties I often times felt like a victim and walked around judging and blaming others for my fear, anger, resentment, frustration, and failure. I didn’t really become the nice girl, the “yes” girl, until I started trying to make up for my past behavior and shift my perception of myself and the world. When I first started this journey I thought that I needed to atone for being self-centered, inconsiderate, and judgmental by becoming the girl who would help anyone, anytime, with anything no matter what it took from me emotionally, physically or financially. I would act out of guilt or a feeling that I wouldn’t be seen as a “good” person if I wasn’t always giving, giving, giving of myself. I told myself I was doing something nice and this was helping me become a better person, but I could never figure out why it always felt more like such a burden that drained me of my energy and my well-being. I would offer to do favors for people who I really didn’t enjoy spending time with, or agree to help people I knew were taking advantage of me, because I simply lacked the courage to set boundaries or say no. I became the constant people pleaser because I couldn’t stand the idea that someone didn’t like me.
Perhaps my greatest lesson lay in my romantic relationships. I always dated guys that I felt needed to be fixed in some way. I made it my challenge and mission to fix them. No matter how hard I tried it never worked out the way I planned; and the toll it took on me left me completely drained in every area of my life. I eventually understood that I wasn’t being authentic or true to myself and I wasn’t really helping anyone by obsessing over and trying to solve their perceived problems. It took me a long time to realize that to truly be of service to others I had to take care of myself first, so that I had the energy reserves and resilience to give others what they needed. It was part of my conditioning that taught me I was only valuable if I was giving or doing something for someone else. That same conditioning is causing millions of people to develop chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, anxiety, addictions, and a host of other symptoms that can lead to mental and physical breakdowns. How can anyone help another if they have no energy, no resources, no self-esteem, no direction, and no self-love? I couldn’t. I had to learn to put myself first and be okay with disappointing people, hurting people’s feelings, and having people not like me. One of the best things that came out of the shift in my behavior was accepting myself just as I am and not needing approval or validation from others in order to know that I have worth and I matter.
Self-love is not about being selfish. It’s the most essential love you need in your life. Your relationship with yourself dictates how others treat you. If you cannot truly love yourself it makes it difficult for others to love you the way you deserve and it’s even more difficult for you to truly love others unconditionally. Until you can accept and appreciate every aspect of yourself, including your flaws, shortcomings, and eccentricities you will continue to attract people who act as mirrors reflecting back to you the parts of yourself you still don’t love. It will appear to you as something wrong with them, unless you are aware enough to know better. So, it’s actually the most important act of courage, kindness and compassion you can make for yourself, in my opinion. Love yourself completely, so that you can then love others with your whole heart! Love yourself enough so that you are constantly receiving as much as you are giving away. You can then be of service from a place of fulfillment, generosity, and grace, rather than guilt, fear, and expectation. That is where the magic to create miracles in life comes from.
To some it might sound selfish to love yourself first, but it really depends on your perception of yourself and the programming you may have running on autopilot in your mind. If you are still stuck in a place of fear & separation, letting your ego run the show, pretending you are better than or more deserving than others then self-love may appear as conceit or narcissism. This is a purely intellectual behavior that tries to convince you your mind knows what love is and will make sure you have it in spades. The problem with this attempt to design perfect love with your intellect is that it’s superficial and fake. It will never fill you up with what you need because it’s not real. When you practice loving yourself from your heart space, using your intention to connect to the purest form of unconditional love, appreciation, caring, and gratitude, you shift your awareness from the mental chatter that tries to imitate love and connect with the core of your being – the true essence of your eternal self. This shift, when practiced, creates new neural pathways that align you with your authentic self to bring forth the best expression of you. The light that you were born to be begins shining brighter and expanding farther out into the world enabling you to making a massive difference for yourself and the greater good in effortless, miraculous ways. Life no longer happens to you, it happens because of you. Coming from our heart space allows us to see through the veil of illusion that separates us from each other and to master the ego self with confidence, faith, and peace of mind. We can transcend fear, hatred, judgement, war, poverty, abuse, illness and every other destructive experience when we master the art of living life from our heart and soul instead of our intellect and ego.
Kathy Best-Gibson is a writer, lecturer, certified nutritional therapy expert, certified rapid results coach, certified Ho’oponopono practitioner, Reiki Master, Quantum Touch practitioner, intuitive living coach, and the founder of the Light Weight Living program. With over 17 years of research, study, and experience using nutrition, emotional healing techniques, mind/body exercises, spiritual principles and practices, meditation, and alternative healing modalities she coaches and mentors clients in designing individualized holistic approaches to wellness and happy, fulfilling, heart-centered, intuitive living. Kathy has overcome numerous addictions, recovered from multiple long-term illnesses, met and married the love of her life, and created a happy, healthy, miraculous life of passion and purpose using her approach to wellness and living. You can connect with her on her facebook page, linkedIn page, or her website.